No wonder the Lord advises us to leave the plans up to Him. If you would have told me 6 months ago that I would be losing a precious niece, or that I would be scheduled for an evening C-Section at the exact same hospital just a week later, I would have not believed you for one second. It seems like just a month ago, everything was perfect. I am the sort of person who doesn’t love to sit in thoughts or feelings if I know the’yre going to make me sad. I actually really don’t like being sad, or crying, or any of it. I want to move forward as quickly as possible, and to forget. Unfortunately, there are some times in life that need and deserve to be taken in. To be fully felt. Sitting here even figuring out my feelings as I type here is more difficult than I expected it to be just a second ago even, but I’m going to just power through.
It’s been one of the worst weeks of my life, having to watch my sister give birth to a baby who had gone to heaven. I remember being in the hospital room saying “Lord, if you don’t make this miracle happen, then I wont be able to handle it”… When I starred out the window and said that, I meant it with everything in me. Yet here I am, a week later, no miracle, pressing on. I have yet to listen to worship music, my prayers sound like I’m talking to a stranger who’s presence I’m uncomfortable with, and I have so many questions that I feel as though I need answered in order to move forward, even though I know nobody can. I was angry for just a minute, still I’m confused, but I mostly am just forcing myself to choose to trust, because I know what it looks like to turn away, and it’s a dark and scary place.
Having to shift my mind towards the fact that my own little one will be here tomorrow- it’s actually a really crazy concept to grasp. I never even considered a C-section to be an option, I sure don’t want to go back to that hospital, and it’s an interesting feeling knowing that this baby deserves it’s mother to welcome them with joy, when there are pieces of my heart that still haven’t quite healed from last week’s tragedy. My sister and I were supposed to do this together, and I think that is one of the things that hurts the most. I want every part of this for her, honestly more than I want it for myself.
Today, my mom, sisters and I take another step forward by finally getting to enjoy the Fall menu at True Food (my sister Brooke’s favorite restaurant), and getting our nails done. I’ll probably enjoy one last cup of iced coffee by myself in a cute little coffee shop before baby, and I’m sure the better part of the evening will be spent snuggling with Seth, dreaming of what this little one will look like, and simply enjoying every bit of each other’s presence before things get a little crazy.
This is by no means how I pictured this time looking, or how I pictured feeling the day before before I bring a baby into this world but I will take it, because honestly, it is what it is. I can either choose to accept it and embrace it, or reject it. I choose to continue clinging to the few things that I know. I choose to maintain an outlook filled with peace and joy, instead of fear or frustration. Yes, there were tears this morning. I think I simply felt overwhelmed! When you wake up to a text letting you know that your C-Section is 3.5 hours earlier than you thought, things feel EXTRA real. None of this was certainly in my plan, but for some reason it’s all a part of His, and as hard as it is to do, I will do my best to rest in that.